C'est la vie

2011-02-04T02:08:00.003+08:00

It's funny how people change your life in the smallest of ways.

6 Years ago, I was on top of a mini bus, with Thai boys around me, playing, laughing and having a great time with us. And I look down at a girl who popped her head out from the window of the bus, changing the way I look at my life. With just a smile, she won me over. And up till this day, nothing's changed and I still feel the goosebumps just looking at the picture.

Her name is "New", if I remember correctly. I don't think I'll be able to meet her again one day, nor do I know what she is doing right now. Whether things changed for the better or worse for her. I met her when I was in Thailand in 2005, helping the kids in Khao lak, teaching them and helping them rebuild their school. It seemed as if the tsunami never happened to them, because when I was there it was all joy and laughter and lotsa love. And then this smile came, and for a moment, I knew whatever I went through in life didn't matter. I knew whatever sadness and loneliness I had didn't matter. All the hurt and the hatred didn't matter.

Life happened, and it left me smiling back. For that, I'm forever grateful for this girl.

2011-01-01T05:08:00.002+08:00

Yet another year gone.

Spent the new years eve alone, not sure of what to feel or think. I guess part of me is numb to it all.

I believe the past year was a blessed one nonetheless. I mean I got to see the world, travelling to Japan and falling in love with it. Road trips to Seattle, studying in Canada, visiting L.A. and N.Y. as well as Germany. And then I got the opportunity to travel to the Middle East, once in a lifetime chance I must say. All these travelling have opened my eyes to the world out there, taught me things I would never have learnt staying and cooping up at home. I'm grateful for all that.

But every time I come home, there's just this feeling of loneliness that really depresses me. Yeah sure, I've had all these adventures and I'm going back to the Middle East again next year, but at the end of it all I still feel empty. Waking up to an empty house every day, and not being able to sleep till about 6 to 7am the next morning. There's always this silence, but my mind keeps going on and on.

I really don't know what to expect for the following year. I've got myself committed to so many things, I'm not sure if I can pull it off and actually be happy about my performance. But I guess what's good about it all is that it'll keep me busy, keep my mind off things.

So.. these are my thoughts for the new year. Resolution? I want to be happy.

2010-01-02T01:57:00.005+08:00

² Shady Bard - Torch Song

It's funny how I never update my blog, like ever. It's exactly a year later, and so much have changed since then. I feel as if I'm a teenage boy again, penning down my thoughts here. It's just that, I was wondering when will I ever reflect on my trip to Nepal and write them down. Figured I'll log them down here.

The friends I've made in Nepal has given me a new insights in life. I wouldn't say I had an awesome revelation about life, in fact I'm quite disappointed I didn't get one. My time spent there was always about the people of Nepal. Trying to find a story to tell for the documentary, searching for people to show a juxtaposition. I felt the pressure of making a film that defines what the project is all about. I told myself I'll rise to the challenge alright, but every day, as I walk out through the gate of the school I feel smaller and smaller. The more I knew, the more I felt I couldn't really help these people. Slowly it started to be less about getting a story out, and more about why I was there. There were many reasons I could think of, perhaps I can be their voice and shed hope upon their situation. Perhaps I was just there to be a blessing to them, by helping the school out. Whatever I could think of, it wasn't strong enough a reason and it kinda left me questioning.

Everything seemed kinda hopeless, as more and more people explained to me and my friends about how the government isn't helping them, that most of the aid they receive are all from foreign countries. The vicious cycle is so obvious, and there's nothing much these people living there could do. The ruling party is always changing, there's always strikes every other week disrupting schools and businesses. What are we to do? We paint, we help raise money and build a library, we gave supplementary lessons, we teach them dances and fascinated them with balloons. While I understand that every small effort counts, it doesn't feel like we're helping a lot.

The only moment I saw hope, was how this boy, Yogus, was genuinely intrigued when I was sharing my iPod with him, tuning in to the exact same song I'm listening to now. Teaching him what a piano sounded like, followed by the electric guitar and the drums during the instrumental part of the song. I remembered the look on his eyes, not looking at me, but just into space, smiling and listening to the song and me explaining. That was what kept me going, that was hope for me.

These children may not know what they want to be when they grow up, but I think there will be some willing to learn, willing to listen to what a bunch of Singaporean students have to teach. Will Sishir really study hard and help support his almost blind father? I pray to God that he does. I pray to God that every one of them do, that somehow they will do well enough to lead a better life. One with desires, with dreams and aspirations. And for them to pass it along to the people they care.

I often think to myself if these people want to be helped in the very first place. Maybe they are contented with the way things are, with life as it is. I don't really know. What I do know is that I'll do my best to try and make a difference, however small it is when seen in a bigger picture.

It's ironic though, how I'm not exactly happy being back in Singapore. But I really am grateful to be part of the team that went to Nepal. I've learnt a lot, much more than I expected. There's just too much to pen down.

As for relationships, I've loved and lost. Trying to get things into perspective, to not hold on for too long. It's been difficult, but life's like that right?

It's 2010 now. (: Maybe I'll update in a years time. Maybe not. We'll see.

2009-01-01T01:51:00.003+08:00

A new post for a new year (:

It's been a long and tough year, so I guess 2008 hadn't been great but there were good moments no doubt. Say, my Taiwan trip with the army was great and so was my trip to Hong Kong with my family and Clara. Bad moments? I don't think they need mentioning or repeating. Well I guess what I've learnt is a whole long list.

Patience, something I really find is a virtue in life. The times when I gave in to the pressure and the stress instead of being patient, those were the moments I should have chosen to be different from the world and be better. I guess the least I could do is to find something positive gained from the army, though looking back it's been a journey I'll never want to go through again. What I've gathered is that sometimes I give in to the world and I bring myself down to their level, something I dread doing but nonetheless I keep falling to. It's hard to keep up with the God given righteousness, and I guess it really doesn't matter what other people think about you. That it isn't important that you fit in all the time and in doing so you compromise some of your beliefs. I find myself being selfish, I give up easily, I do things half way all the time, I get frustrated easily, despite doing things half way, whats on my mind is always something else I want to do, I keep looking back. I think I can go on but oh well.

Whatever it is, I'm giving it all to God. So it isn't base on my own efforts that things are complete and whole, and that includes myself. Yeah (: I think that's it.

And now, some of the great moments of 2008, well, for me at least (:

2008-04-10T13:29:00.009+08:00

"Letters to you"

Hey sweetheart,

This would be the last of the 26 letters I've written to you before I leave for Taiwan. I hope you enjoyed each and every letter that I've sent you and that it didn't fail to make you feel loved as well as to bridge the distance between you and me, physically and emotionally.

We've been together for a year and seven months now, and life with you never fails to make me smile. As I'm writing you this letter, it's a storm outside and Hershey darling is right beside me. I can't bear to see this lovable dog of mine go, but I guess it's for the best. It's good to hear that the new owner will walk her daily and it's great that she wants to bring Hershey darling to the beach which she lives near by every weekend! I'm sure she'll be happy right? Let's make a point to visit her regularly so that she doesn't forget us, especially me! Alright?

This is the very last picture taken of her at my place. Sigh, she looks so beautiful doesn't she? I'll always remember her, and the sweetest moment with her being that of a little Jack Russell puppy on my lap as I study for my exams just 2 years back.

I guess you must be all packed up for the Taiwan trip with your friends tomorrow? Pity that I can't go with you even though it's my bloc leave when I return. But I guess that means more time for me to do something special for you right? (: I saw this online and it reminded me of your friendster under the column, "Who I want to meet." It reads, "Wedding planners to plan my life in the most glamorous of ways." And I feel this picture says it all, the love, the passion encompassed in such a glamorous and stunning shot. Beautiful isn't it? And I'd like for us to have that same passion for each other and for God, and to be driven with the need to want to make life for each other so much more interesting. I'd like to go through life with you witnessing all the beautiful aspects of the world. Maybe heading to Africa or exploring the underwater world, experiencing things that we don't often get to in this little red dot.

Since I'm trying to learn as much as I can on guitar right now, despite not making any huge improvement thus far, I really hope that one day we'll be able to compose our own songs and play our own tunes. Of course, you'll be the one leading since you have the most experience in music composition as a music teacher. But the idea would be lovely wouldn't it (: To be one day able to play your own tunes and being proud of it, that'll be something great to look forward to. From the letters you can most probably see how much I love music now, and I really want to be able to play and create something of my own. Although I didn't start at a young age but I hope it isn't too late and that I'll be able to learn despite NS or school in the future. Will you help me? (: I miss listening you play on the piano, and I'd like very much for you, as a music teacher, to inspire me once again on the love for music.

Before I end this letter, I just want to tell you that for each and every letter, even though it wasn't easy making it interesting, interactive and sweet at the same time for all the different letters, I didn't regret writing any of them nor do I feel as if I've wasted so much time on it because I honestly feel that it was all worth it and if it did manage to make you smile at times or made you ponder and think about the things that I said then I feel I have met my aim. It's only through talking that we manage to understand and fall in love with each other, and I guess sometimes I just feel I convey my thoughts and feelings best when I write them down. And for us there's always music that help us along, hence the different song for different letters (apologies for certain letters where songs were not included haha). Well before I end this chain of letters, I just need you to know that I love you always and that there's never a day that I stopped loving you. The flame in my heart is burning for you still (:

2007-06-23T02:46:00.001+08:00

Fleeting moments in our lives are in abundance, but it's only when you truly experience and recognised it that you appreciate and cherish them. A reflection in a passing bus, a turn of a head coupled with a smile, being spun upside down in a theme park ride or simply lying down beside somebody you truly love and have each song speak to you through your Mp3 player when on shuffle mode. We all have stories we could tell, what's your's?

My most recent story was written by the hands of an angel. Stories of love, hope and faith. Stories of darkness, hurt and pain. Both sides of the story, nothing less nothing more, all written down and etched in my heart. I love to talk about life, how overwhelmingly intriguing it can be. For some, life may be about chasing dreams, or finding that purpose of their very existence or maybe even looking up and deciphering that higher being who reigns in our lives. My life? My life is about love, or so I think. Seemingly alone, I tend to feel, hmm I don't know, perhaps a little like what my site is named, a little sarcastically suicidal. Though of course not in the sadistic sense. Just tend to seek humour in the morbid aspects of life. Maybe it's too much Sylvia Plath or the utterly depressing Prozac Nation, but hey at least I'm out of that now, and I have love to keep, however sophisticated and labouriously taxing it can be.

I guess this picture portrays who I really am, emo and loving the idea of being in love. Well, maybe by learning to love a special someone with the all of me, I learn to love others who need it much more than we do. Thailand's changed me since the volunteered work, though I could have learnt more if I went places that require our help desperately. For instance, Banda Aceh (now a changed and renewed place). But nonetheless, I learnt about compassion and maybe that's what I'm here for, maybe I'm a man fueled with compassion and love. I don't know, as far as I'm concern I'm just ranting off and hoping to suddenly go, Eureka! But I digress, though I find it hard to solve this whole Gordian knot of my life. Oh well I shall end this. Tell me your story instead, and leave a link.

Fresh in my hands, a flower for the angel in disguise who entered my life (: Thank you for everything you've given me and how you saved me from my story; which was heading towards the theme of darkness(ugh, sounds kinda like star trek). It's just 6 more days (:

Not where I breathe, but where I love, I live.

The Journey of You and Me

2007-05-17T10:59:00.000+08:00

The title of this picture is called "The Journey of You and Me" and i really like it a lot. As such, i decided to use this fitting image in the post to tell you how much I've enjoyed every ride and bumps along the road on this amazing journey with you. YOU are amazing, simply because without doing a thing, you make me want to be a better man not only for myself but especially for YOU. The past 8 long months seemed like an eternity to me(in a good way, of course), and already I feel as if we've been together for 8 years. In fact, I realised that I've never spent so much time understanding, learning and loving anyone as much as I do for you. Sure, there were times we fought and we walked away, but we always held onto one another after each argument. Along the way, we had our disagreements, and our unhappiness, however, at the end of each path i find myself loving you more, much more than before. I learnt the true meaning of cherish, patience, courage and strength. At every junction, every cross-roads, we held on and stared at the endless path of life and learning the many lessons that God has taught us along the way, we took each step with caution and with love. With the stars to guide us, and the whispers of the wind, together we took a leap of faith, and another leap for love, living on our beliefs and hope alone, waiting for life.

"Lights will guide you Home"
-Lyrics from "Fix You" Coldplay

As you know, we have a strong affinity with stars. Orion's belt and the four angels, it's of no surprise, and I don't think it's just pure coincidence, that I was put into Orion Company. It made me smile in fact, to know that I belong to a company with a name that is so significant to you and me. Someday i wished i could embrace you and know that every day, i love you. Knowing that we have nothing to fear and any doubts be cast away. In the middle of the streets with lights in the shape of a heart, a couple in love look into each other's eyes and know that they were meant to be. And the iris of the guy's eyes lit up and he saw a wonder appear in front of him, astonished and amazed, he saw his angel shine, wearing a halo, and smiling her unforgettable smile. I dream a dream, and my dream was you.

I'll always remember you telling me that life is like a carousel, sometimes we go up and other times we go down, but like everyone else, they go round and round. The cycles of life, where money and assets become our main priority. Insidiously, we fall into such a life, where we worry about work, and money, and home. Somehow, it's inevitable i know, but once in a while i'd like to escape from the reality of life, hold your hands and jump off at the lowest point of the carousel. There are many other rides we can take, for instance, the roller-coaster, the ferris wheel or even the one we took "Top Gun" (if i'm not wrong). Funny thing is, all these rides always revolves round and round. So, no, I won't jump off a cycle only to get us into another. I'll take you somewhere far, a place where our only path is straight ahead. So right now, as YOU are reading this, I extend my hands to you and I smile, saying, "Come with me darlin, I found a new ride. A ride where there's only straight ahead. Floating on a platform with water beneath, a dark and eriee tunnel(but lights will guide us home remember?), sometimes there are waves and sometimes a stunning surprise. No, it isn't the "Haunted House Tunnel", it's a new ride I found, and it's called "The Journey of You and Me"." And so I wait, my hands extended, still smiling, constantly waiting, for your hands in mine.

I had closed the door upon my heart
And wouldn't let anyone in,
I had trusted and loved only to be hurt
But, that would never happen again

I had locked the door and tossed the key
As hard, and as far as I could,
Love would never enter there again,
My heart was closed for good

Then you came into my life
And made me change my mind,
Just when I thought that tiny key
was impossible to find

That's when you held out your hand
And proved to me I was wrong,
Inside your palm was the key to my heart ...
You had it all along

I love you every day.

2006-12-06T01:35:00.000+08:00

Corrine May - Fly Away

The day started out pretty fine, as I met Clara to get her passport done at the ICA Building at Lavender. Woke up in the early afternoon, so by the time we got there, the queue was absurd. We took our number, 6909, and realised we had 104 people in front of us before it is our turn. The wait; an approximate of 2 hours, was seemingly going to be dreadful and dull. But, the receptors in the stomach sends impulses to the brain causing an involuntary action; an orchestrated groan of my fat tubby. We headed to Golden Mile to have the reknown Gu Bak Kway Tiao! (Beef noodle, Dry) It wasn't that bad really, and as usual, Clara observed me finishing the bowl of soup (an observation she proudly proclaims) and I sheepishly replied with my very own observation; how she always demurely devour (yes, that voracious appetite disguised by the lady-like habit of hers) the ingredients ( I mentioned "liao", which is ingredients in chinese) and leave the chunk of kway tiao behind. Yes, we are a very funny couple I know, I know. (I bet she will kill me for mentioning what I did) We headed back, and waited for half an hour or so before it was her turn. We killed time by reading Mitch Albom's book, enriching enriching! Afterwhich, I only remember getting a glimpse of her IC and laughing at her picture. Next stop, MY house where we spent our time gobbling spa-ghe-tti (mimics your mommy) and watching our favourite "Grey's Anatomy" season 3! (Meredith's a slut) The day ended with my sending her home, in a cab, before which she was screaming like a lunatic for my stubborn behaviour of insisting on sending her home. That made me laugh so hard (: Silly girl. As usual, I stood at the spot of the walkway and wave goodbye to the love of my life. I took the bus home, reading my book and really, just enjoying the ride with a good book.

Things become grim when I got home. At about 12.30 AM, I received a phone call from my mom, she was crying and I got scared. "Gather your brothers and take a cab down to Tan Tock Seng Hospital" she said. "Ah ma is in critical condition." So I informed my second brother, headed down to Kovan to fetch my younger brother as well as calling my Eldest brother who headed down in a cab himself. In those few minutes, I got to witness the mutual understanding we all had. One of our own needs our help, and none of us was particular or complaining. We were scared and secretly hoping for the best, for our Grandma and for our mother. We arrived at the emergency building, where we met my parents, my uncle and my Grandpa (his wrist injured, his face solemn and grim)

We headed directly to the ICU ward, patient room no. 27. For the first time since Chinese New Year, I saw my Grandma. She laid on the bed, her skin a yellow tone, her breathing and pulse monitored by an enormous number of equipments, tubes inserted throughout and her family surrounding her. My brothers and I took turn to look at her, to see what the disease had done to her. My younger brother began to tear and it got to me, the wave of guilt, the selfishness of my behaviour. The very last time I saw her healthy was during Chinese New Year, and throughout the days I didn't visit her. We were all busy with our lives, for me it was basketball initially, followed by friends, studies and love. No longer did we spend our Sundays at our Grandma's, to just pay a visit, to have her catch a glimpse of us, her grandsons. Come to think of it, the last time she saw me, its was Chinese New Year. She didn't even get to see me in person since she got ill, she didn't see me because I was suppose to visit her when she was in the pink of health, or rather relatively stable. I was in church, and I lost my chance for her to see me for the last time. Throughout the night, my relatives cried, and when my mom cried I was momentarily crushed. To see her cry, it gnaws at my heart and I held back my tears as she allows it to flow, as she tries to accept it all in the grace of a few hours.

I decided I had to be there for her, and I took a step by drawing her close to me as she stared at her mother, my grandmother, through the glass of the ICU ward, crying. I held onto her until she stopped and got her feet on the ground. She's strong, that I know, but seeing her fall apart was something new to me. My second brother and I stayed with my grandma, together with my two other uncles and my cousin. We stayed and endured the battle with her, that's what my uncle constantly said, that we are fighting it with her by staying here and so we did. When my second brother motioned me to hold her hands, initially I didn't dare but I got over it and did so. Her hands were callused, from the years of labour and not forgetting the countless lunch she's cooked for us whenever we visited her. Her hands were cold too, and I stoke at them hoping she'd come around anytime soon and smile. I stroke her hands constantly, and my mind kept concentrating on them, partly to keep her hands warm and also to detect any possible movement. At certain points I felt as if it did, until I realised it was me, that I wanted it so bad for the slightest movement. We got tired, and she seemed stable so my uncle asked that we get some rest. Her pulse was a steady 90.

I took a 2 hours nap, only to be woken up by my mother's cries. I saw her and my uncle walking out into the waiting area and I thought maybe it's one of the heartstrings being tugged at, that my grandma was still alright. So I closed my eyes. I woke up at 5.30AM and I realised I was alone. I headed towards the ICU ward and saw my uncle at the entrance telling me to call my father, telling me that she doesn't have much time left. I called, and I waited before the both of us headed to the ward. I saw the teary eyes of my relatives, I saw them crying, and then I saw the pulse. A. systole: 0, a flat line. My heart sunk. Her breathing still regulated, laboured and shallow. We were motioned to step beside her, I held her hands and stared at her, speechless at the loss. The door opened as I was still holding onto her hands, and I saw my mother aiding my Grandpa with his dreaded footstep, his face was distraught he was crying and I felt his heart stopped for the women he's married to his whole life and stayed loyal to. His visage still remains in the depths of my heart and I remember him walking, crying, grieving. He lay his hands on my Grandma, trying to salvage what little was left and he stayed his face near hers asking her why she left so early. The time, 5:35.

"Death.What a great teacher you are.Yet few of us elect to learn from you,about life.That is the essence of death's teaching,life.Death is not an elective,one day we all will take the class.The wise students audit the class in early yearsAnd find enlightenment.They are then prepared when graduation day comes."

This is from Clara's blog, and I agree that it is meaningful. If you read my earlier entry you'll realised that one of my Christmas wish came true. Today, I learnt something from all the sadness. In the words of Morrie, " I learnt to die in order to learn to live." We have to learn to die, to make peace and through that learn to live our lives. Reading from Mitch Albom's "Five people you meet in Heaven", it gave me new perspectives and perhaps it is true. Someday, we'll have someone explain our earthly existence to us, we'll have the meaning of our lives explained to us thorougly and that we are all interconnected.

"There is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole. It is why we are drawn to babies, and to funerals."

"That each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."

- Five people you meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom

These are the more significant lines for me from the book I've spent the last 3 days reading. Perhaps it was God's way of getting me ready, nonetheless I've learnt it all in a period of 3 days. With today, 5th December being more significant.

We saw my Grandpa lying in bed just before we decided to call it a day from all the work for the wake under the void deck. I saw him lying at the other half of the bed, his half. I could sense he is broken, slightly but not showing. I feel for him, and that losing someone you love is the hardest thing ever but yet he handled it well. I saw him laughing and talking a lot at the wake, with a moment or two of tears, nonetheless, he handled it well. And as we get ready to leave, I thought of how people always say when your soulmate has passed, you die as well. You earthly body just a shell that embodies the basal metabolic functions but your soul grieves and you die with your other half. When the heart of your soulmate stops, your heart stops as well. I walked out and turned to catch a final glimpse, only to see the clock, the time stopped (on purpose for sentimental value or coincidence, I do not know)

The time, 5:35.

PS: The innocent victims of online child abuse cannot speak for themselves. But you can. Watch this video, then light a candle of support at www.lightamillioncandles.com to encourage governments, politicians and banks to eradicate the commercial viability of online child pornography.

2006-11-24T14:46:00.000+08:00

I've been reading Tuesdays with Morrie and I've to say that it's really good. Much insight into the many issues in life that we often overlook, issues that we dont bother spending time pondering about. A book with 188 pages, encompassing life's greatest lessons. You just need 3 or 4 hours, away from work, away from the Internet, away from your friends and loved ones. Just a few hours of your time for yourself, and you'll learn more than you have in perhaps the past few years of your life.

Honestly, I'd love to have someone like Morrie to talk to, someone to guide me and to enlighten me about the many obstacles in life. We have friends, of course we do, but how often do we actually sit down and talk about life, to really sit down and think about issues like fear, death, feeling sorry for yourself, love or family? We're all going through tough times ourselves, for me it's been love, what about you? It could be family, or friends or even about culture. For me, there's always God to talk to, there's always my angel Clara to talk to and there's always my friends Kenneth and Cheryl that I can talk to. What about you? At this very moment of my life, I'm contented as it is. I've rededicated myself, I've found the love of my life and I've friends I can rely on. Would I be afraid of changes, of course, I'm always dwelling in that familiar security and it's been pretty much my nature to dread changes, changes that can shift the entire course of my life. But as Morrie says, once you have experienced the emotions, you recognise it and you detach from it. You tell youself to step away from it, and not let it control you, see it for what it is.

One of the reasons I love One Tree Hill is the quotes that it incorporates in it shows. This one is by Lucas (Chad) and it goes like this, " There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief. And beyond heartache and fear of what lies ahead." Sometimes, we cry and we need something to cling onto, something reliable. We cry in the bathrooms, we cry as we wait for that support to come to us. Sometimes we get disappointed as we wait, others times we get that feeling of coming up for fresh air and for some unfortunate people, they give up. We do things even though we know we shouldn't, we are old enough to know but too young to care, a condition known as "Tension of the opposites" mentioned by Morrie. In such moments what do we do? In such moments, choose to be right. Go against what your mind is telling you and go with your heart. Yes it may sound naive, but think about it, what keeps you alive? Without your heart would you still be thinking? Think medical, then think emotional followed by spiritual. Yesterday, I was angry and upset and I choose to be angry even when I know my heart yearns for something else. With that choice I almost lost a part of me, and with that choice I got tested and I learnt a lot about myself, and I learnt that I can be better.

There are things we forgot at birth, or even things your mother taught you even when you were a mere blastocyst and travelling by cilliary action towards the endometrium for implantation. The moments your mother spent talking to you, assuming you were listening and medically, you were. So what are the things that she's talked to you about? What was the first song she ever sang to you? I wished I could remember, but there's always the option of asking your mother yourself. There are things that we forgot at birth, and when I become a father, I'll help my child remember. Even trying to remember the things I did when I was 4 or 5 is difficult for me, but it's always the case that your parents did all the remembering for you for that initial stages of your life. I guess what I'm saying is that I was never that close to my parents, and I'm taking really small steps to trying to get closer. And I hope it works out.

So here's my grown up Christmas List this year:

1) Understand the Lord better
2) To spend a wonderful Christmas with my angel (making her smile so so so much)
3) To be closer to my parents (baby steps, baby steps.)
4) Have a really great time with my friends
5) GET HERSHEY DARLING A BED
6) Love Clara with all my heart
7) Love Clara with all my soul
8) Love Clara with all my heart and soul
9) To learn to die in order to learn to live

I believe in Santa Claus (:

2006-09-30T13:14:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was really special. I got a break from all the hard work throughout the week, and it felt really great. We made each other presents, a token of appreciation to help each other pull through the period when everyone else is stressed and sacrificing a good time just to finish another chapter or two. I always believed in striking a balance, and I'm proud to be able to do that. Besides a day or two of procrastination from work, the rest of the week I was pretty productive, just have to recap again tomorrow and to move on resuming work once again. This time, I have my lovely greenish box filled with potpourris and messages from Clara, of which I'll take my time to read each and every night. Then, there's also the tea light burner with that special scent 'burberry' which I'm so in love with. Not to forget the wonka nerds that never fails to give me the sugar rush. Most importantly, i have the one that i love so much, someone that i give my heart and soul to unconditionally, yes I have her by my side and that alone keeps me going on. All in all, i have the ultimate rememdy to success, i just need to put in the hard work and to pray everyday and running through the finishing line with that special someone.

We went around Marina square yesterday, and had a really great time! After eating we didn't really know what to do, so we decided to split up for like half an hour and get each other something before meeting again for a drink. Sounds cheesey but it was special haha. It was pretty rad, and I was constantly hoping we don't bump into each other to spoil the surprise. After that we head to our special place, to talk, to laugh and to lie together, forgetting the world. I love the dream like mode that the place never fails to put us in, how all the elements just come together and making a night together seemed perfect. The occasional dull orange lights guiding us as we walk out, pass the subtle fountains and rocky landscape. It almost sound surreal, and how i wished i owned that piece of land.

A special quote, from a special someone, to end this entry.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

by Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

PS: darlin, i'm starting to love this quote (: and it's actually by Marianne, but often incorrectly credited to Nelson Mandela's Inauguration Speech, 1994, due to the almost similar idea of the last line of his speech (: but still, i love you for telling me this.

2006-09-04T21:20:00.000+08:00

For the past 4 weeks, I believe I was at my happiest and having the greatest time of my life. The gist of it being, I fell in love, there were many memorable moments which includes many birthday surprises, smiles and more smiles, lots of laughter and the many everlasting moments that leaves a mark. I'll address the love of my life for now, and the story goes...

I got to know Clara, this really great girl in school. Through my good friend Chong Jee, we got to know each other a little better. The first time we talked, it was on 7th August i believe and I was a tad too shy. It was as if I opened my mouth for the very first time, not knowing what to say, when to say it and whether it meant something. At the very least, the conversation developed and things got better. It was at this instant, this very day, that I was made to realised that my life wasn't as august as it may have seemed to the people in school. Life in school was a façade, I've been drifting from shore to shore wondering what my purpose really is and not really sure who will be there for me when i falter. Coupled with horrible results that only seem to go down further, at a certain point of time I gave up and dug an even deeper hole, one that I've been conscientiously digging unknowingly. Then She came (She pertaining to my angel), and changed everything around for me, without the slightest idea that just by talking to me, she made me realise that I needed to stand up again and to be myself, no, to be someone better, a better man. All She did was to talk to me, and I felt an immense change in me, one I can't fully understand nor explain. So it was a start of something new, something fresh, something that nobody else could have given me in that 9 months of depression that I went through. She, my angel, was named Clara and I've told her countless times that I really believe she is my angel (however cheesey, however cloying, however overly ingratiating), she still deosn't acknowledge it and I don't blame her because nobody would ever do so I guess. But if 'You' are reading this, you really are an angel to me and there's something special about you that nobody else has, that being, in my eyes, your halo that you wear everyday. It's been really great to have known this girl, and to let her go would be my biggest mistake. I cherish the times in the cab, or just talking to you on the couch of Fullerton Hotel or just by the pool at our special place, somehow everything just seem to fall into place, how it does I don't know. I just feel very fortunate, like as if I'm the luckiest boy in the world. I know I may sound naive, vulnerable and weak, that we all know that the pleasant things in life are only ephemeral and me just being old enough to know but too young to care. But I'm in love and though I see the looming darkness in a few months to come, I brace myself for the hardest time of my life. Right now, I want to embrace it all in, and love this Angel of mine with all my heart and soul. We'll work things out, I won't just watch my whole life come crashing down on me, I've been through it and once is enough. I won't let go knowing what we could be, it's going to be special and it's going to last.

An entry for the girl who wears a halo, my girl next door. (:

2006-08-28T00:49:00.000+08:00

Our song (:

The way you look at me

No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up too
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes say everything without a single word

CHORUS
'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you touch your lips to mine
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stands still
'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

BRIDGE
I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time

'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

The way you look at me

2006-08-20T10:21:00.000+08:00

Woke up early today, couldn't really get back to sleep haha. So i wrote my Student Graduation Certificate, all that achievements and stuff. Afterwhich i went round watching music videos haha, will paste the one's i like here, just for the sake of it ;) Sugar Ray! love this acoustic version, check it out! old song, but oh wells.

The Cranberries, haha i love the singing ;)

Augustana - Boston

Enjoy !!

2006-08-16T20:39:00.000+08:00

"A Better Man"

Until the oceans all run dry
Until the stars fall from the sky
Even if words dont seem to rhyme
Ill be addicted to your smile

And if the wind blows out the sun
Ill still believe you are the one
No matter what we're going through
I'll plan to spend my nights with you

I promise you my heart wont fade
I swear to you my soul always
It isnt hard to understand
You're making me a better man

Baby my love will say it all
I'll always catch you when you fall
And if the hard times get too much
I'll still be craving for your touch

I promise you my heart wont fade
I swear to you my soul always
It isnt hard to understand
You're making me a better man

I dedicate my world
I dedicate my all
For every moment
Your leaving me breathless

I dedicate my touch
Forevers not enough
I wanna hold on
I just wanna hold on to you

I promise you my heart wont fade
I swear to you my soul always
It isnt hard to understand
You're making me a better man

It isnt hard to understand, your making me a better man

2006-08-09T10:54:00.000+08:00

It's been a while, it's a dark gloomy day on the 9th August, National Day. Hope the glorious rain starts to pour, and I'll be able to immerse myself in the luxury of music with my trusty Motorola Rokr while enjoying the 'breeze' of the tropical concrete jungle rain. I'd love to be able to play in the rain once again, it's been too long since I've done that. Anybody care to join? Sounds childish, but what the heck, I love the rain.

So everything's ceased for the preparation of the most important exam of all pathetic Singaporean youths in a junior college. I detest cliches but time really did flew by in a blink of an eye this past month. Perhaps I was having too much fun and studying hard at the same time, or maybe I just forgot to stop and bask in the moment. No more basketball intra-college (Ps: Iwan, if you ever read this tell your brother he owes my team and I a gold trophy), no more time to just chill after a hard day's training or to simply have a uncle Kenneth Goh's bubble tea session at the famous Budget Cafe. Okay, exaggerating but the point is there's only 4 weeks left to the Prelims and there's too much to finish revising thoroughly. It'll be the next most stressful period of our lives - besides the most stressful of times when you are being born into this horrible, war-infested world. In retrospect, I really did enjoyed myself the past month and it feels good to know I didn't waste my time like I always do. Once a procrastinator, always one, but people do change.

However, we all know that all our happy days, the pleasant moments and euphoric highs are only ephemeral. Just recently, Cheryl lost her dog Waffles and Kenneth lost his wallet at the Esplanade (oh, how jinxing of me).

Please do help, this dog means a lot to her and I'll be eternally grateful to whoever finds her(notice how i refer to the dog as 'her'. Yes she is a female dog and she means so much that she's really adored as a friend). I've spent two entire days searching for the dog and you have no idea what it feels like to be frantically searching and having a part of you being missing. So please, any help in any possible way is appreciated. As for my good friend Kenneth's wallet, if any of you were at the Esplanade and found a black leather wallet please return them. There are important documents such as the IC, POSB card and other meaningful cards from friends that means a lot. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

These episodes really dragged me down from cloud nine, like a sudden surge in gravity back to reality. And, as always, I'm still in such a big mess it takes tremendous efforts to overcome it all. So the whole 'find a solution project' is placed on hiatus, priorities priorities, it's always about priorities. Sigh, soon the next 3 months will pass and the people I know will move on and it'll be another hard time to deal with, considering how I hate letting go. Just trying to make the best out of everything, and I mean everything.

Anyway, I'm looking for people for another "Humanitarian Trip". Heh, Jason suggested that if I ever had the free time, do go over to Laos to help out and I'll be really glad to do so. So the old OCIP peeps, interested? Like for REAL. Perhaps December or January, and before our NS of course. Any other people interested please do tag! If not it'll be another meaningless boring post A level holiday. There are people out there who needs help, don't just sit around being all apathetic, any little effort helps.

Romeo and Juliet
Prologue

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

William Shakespeare

Just felt that this is really beautiful and fancy it being posted, so here it is. Read it thoroughly and remember, forget about the tragedy, immerse into the language. Nobody talks or write like that anymore, it's a pity.

2006-07-01T20:03:00.000+08:00

Life hasn't been that great lately. School had started, and it was fairly alright the past week. Looking on the "bright" side of things, at the very least I'm occupied with work to keep my mind off other issues. Had my mid-years not long ago, two papers before and another two after the holidays. Well, I practically screwed up all my subjects. Under-performed for General Paper, Maths and Chemistry. Biology yet to be known, but I'm not expecting anything because the last time I did it left me devastated, real blow to the pride. I guess it's time to start working, considering the fact that I don't have much time left. Mountains of work to be dealt with and I'm still at the foot of it. Have to thank my Chemistry teacher really, the way she looked at me and told me how I did when i asked her (and not forgetting her not even trying to make it sound a tad consoling), it set my mind to know what I want.

There are definitely some things that I want more but yet elusive, and life, being life, remains obstinate and unwilling to suffice that need. There isn't much I can do (is there?) but to focus on something else, something more feasible.

I detest the feeling of failing, and in recent times I had to brave it and not be weak as to allow it to get to me. Sometimes I don't understand how their failing of, for example, exams can be seen in the light of a joke, how people can laugh it off at having no confidence despite the efforts placed in trying to score well, or efforts made to make anything worthwhile for that fact. Their humility of their academic defects or carelessness in execution of thoughts is simply a sort of panegyric, a compliment of themselves in their failure. Empirically, my failing would be the prelude to my rise, oh yes, I will rise to the occasion.

However, don't brand me as being supercilious or proud. My point is that we shouldn't just laugh at our failures, albeit it being a positive way of handling it, but too often we laugh and forget to remember our mistakes. How often have you laughed at your marks attained and yet scored similar grades again later? On the contrary, how many times have we regretted our mistakes and yet execute them once again without realising it? I've learnt it the hard way, and this time it'll be different, or at least I have to try to make it different. Quoting from Michael Jordan himself, he said "I can't stand not trying" and that's the mentality that I will adopt (not only because he is my idol but I feel that way too, now).

I've been watching One tree hill again, and I realised that each episodes installs something to be learnt. Yes it may be a teenage flick, a kind of drama-mama series that probably doesn't deserve an oscar or even a popcorn trophy from MTV, but hell we're all teenage still anyway. Being 18 doesn't mean we're all grown up and matured now. Back to the point, one of the reasons I love One tree hill is the quotes that they impart as a moral backbone of the show. One of them being a quote by Stephen King, which says 'Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again'.

Perhaps everyone of us has gone through a dark period in our lives, when you lose something or someone and things just changed so rapidly that you get lost in translation. Sometimes you get lucky and someone is there for you, sometimes you go through it alone. Whatever the case, however hard things get, don't ever lose yourself. For if you ever do, life gets harder because you need to seek for not only who or what you lost but for yourself as well. As Brooke (of One tree hill) puts it, 'And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be or lose that person completely'. I think I lost myself some time back, I was trying to be a pleaser, a yes man who stood by braving the tempest and never opened up entirely to show who I really was or to give my opinions readily but instead absorb the insults thrown at my face and remain reticent. I realised that a little too late, but I can still redeem myself and I know it isn't going to be easy. I just want people to know that you shouldn't become someone who gives up all in trying to please someone you love, to let pride be in the way of opening up, to be who you really are and to call out for help when you need it. As Kristin Armstrong puts it, 'I became a prisoner to my own inability to say uncle when life squeezed me too hard. The warden was pride, and I remained in maximum security.' Know yourself, and Love yourself before anything else.

On a lighter note, it's going to be another 5 days holiday for me. The weekends, Youth day in lieu, Skipping school on tuesday for almost half the school will be rehearsing for that night's big event "Panorama 2006" at the esplanade and Wednesday will be an off day for my school as a reward for the performers and the people behind the scenes, teachers especially. So it's going to be a great long weekend, and I'm using it to go through my work and have some time to relax and enjoy my collection of DVDs or to resume reading Pride and Prejudice (the language is killing me but it is worthwhile). It'll be a good week end!

2006-06-18T02:43:00.000+08:00

Had a proper talk with my reliable friend Shuen not long ago, and I'm grateful for her being there. So here's a post for you! Hmm firstly, I'd like to thank you for just being available at all, cause I know how busy you can be sometimes. Next, I'd like to thank you for putting part of the whole mess into perspective, placing them in distinct situations that allow me to access and perhaps make the best of decisions. I've been trying hard to sort things out and it had been difficult being involved and affected constantly. You have heard this a couple of times, but thank you once again for having my back the last 3 years whenever We had troubles and me seemingly always at the fault line. Lastly, thank you for simply praying for me, that littlest action shows the smallest fact that at least someone out there still cares, so thank you.

I guess it's time to refrain from commiserating over what had been and what could have been. Although it's difficult, it's got to pass somehow. There are larger issues to deal with right now, that's of course the 'A' Levels. That's one huge load to handle, but I'll get there. Disconcertingly, things have been left undone due to my moping and brooding. I've most definitely dug up a real depressing(or rather a real huge depression of a) foxhole, but I'm out of it cause the "war" I'm having is on back burner now, I hope. What I ought to be thinking is ionic equilibria, magnetic resonance, DNA polymerase III and everything fun! Also, I need a catalyst to hasten my mug speed because procrastination is so much of my character it took three forth of my holiday.

Monday's dinner with Benzi, Shuen and Cher. Firstly, a belated Happy Birthday to you BENZI. Sorry I don't have much cash, no treat but hey, your blog covers up for everything. You have no idea what a bitch it had been. Well, hope you enjoy Monday, a night with friends beats a testimonial right? It'll be so pleasant you'll forget about it, don't worry.

One more week guys! One more week.

Hmm, you know how sometimes the rain got you at the wrong time unexpectedly? And you have to seek shelter after being partially drenched? So you sit, quietly and anticipating promptly the peek of the sun to pull through. The right time to stand up again and move forward. You do? Yeah, I'll be doing just that.

2006-06-16T21:36:00.000+08:00

Alright, so here's a new blogskin. A little feminine but who cares. There's a bunch of work to do and I'm only through with so little. Woke up at 5 today, my whole biological clock has gone hay-wired and I've been sleeping at 7 in the morn for the whole week. Omg! But yeah, whatever it is I have one more week of the holidays left. ONE MORE WEEK. It sucks but whatever. Need to start mugging in the twilight hour soon. This is a whatever post, a whatever entry so it's pretty whatever. So yeah, its a short update. Whatever..

2006-06-14T13:04:00.000+08:00

I'm not well ...

Sometimes I wished someone could just sit beside me and just talk. About anything even if it is of no interest to me, because then I wouldn't have to think. I can drive myself crazy, literally, by just thinking and sometimes that's all I do an entire day. No they aren't happy nor are they utterly depressing. I make them up, I think of things that I don't want to happen and when it seems too good to be true, it manifest.

I always had the dream of entering Medical school, all the prestige about being a doctor held at high esteem, which spurred me on for a while. And I always dreamt that one day, I'll be able to make it to Africa and perhaps be part of the Doctors Without Borders team. Doesn't it sound so inspired and righteous? Yeah, that's my ultimate dream.

Then, I start to think why? Why take this path? Because back then someone had faith in you? Or was it out of pure passion to help people who had it worse their entire lives? I've been to Thailand, helped in the smallest of ways to rebuild the lives of a lovable group of kids and yet 7 months later it doesn't change me. In retrospect, it was just a wonderful experience, enriching and memorable. I had more fun than I remember having helped them. Helping them was the whole point wasn't it? And it dawned on me that perhaps this whole save-the-world dream, to save people, is because I can't save myself.

There's just too many untied knots in my life, so I try tying them up by thinking, to weave an ending in my mind and to each, it stings. What might have been, what if, wouldn't it be, should it have been, why, how. So do me a favour, the next time you see me just talk to me. Just talk.

2006-04-24T18:32:00.000+08:00

Today, i lost two things that mattered most to me. I don't really know what to do, where to go or who to talk to. So here I am, penning it down right here. I don't need your sympathy nor empathy, I just need to let it out.

Well, we lost to Pioneer today, so it pretty much marks the end for us. Unless a miracle happens on Wednesday, we'll be out at the very first round. Kinda sore about today, we had a chance to get in, but i guess we didn't do enough. Can't really blame, sort of see it coming anyway. We just lose out too much physically, and mentally it was tough. So yeah, wednesday will pretty much be my last basketball match. Doubt I'll be able to make it into any other team, and if I manage to get into NUS or NTU, chances are I won't get in as well. Considering my height, there's nothing much I can do but sprout insults at my unfortunate recessive allele for height. Yeah, besides I'm tired and I guess it has to end some time. That's one.

Got the letter today. It wasn't unexpected, the things written inside. I guess I just don't have it all. I can relate to the analogy that was given in "Seven types of ambiguity". It goes something like this. You know how when you were young, your parents used to install a night light in your room? A faint orange that keep a small part of the room illuminated, just so as to make you feel comfortable, at ease. Then one day, your parents just remove it from your room for no apparent reason, and you spent the whole night thinking, wondering what was it you've done during the day that made you deserve this. Then you went on to the previous day and so on, the memory gets fainter each time. Today, that night light was removed for me, and i spent my time wondering.

2005-12-26T03:39:00.000+08:00

It's been a lovely Christmas this year, although I'm sick it was still lovely nonetheless.

Spent my Christmas Eve with Cheryl, Shuen and Benzi. Met up with Cheryl and Benzi at the bus stop near my house, and those two pigs made me wait for nearly 25 minutes cause I arrived 5 mins earlier. But oh well, they are forgiven. Had to rush to Shuen's church event called "Esperenza", and we were clearly late. A panicky Cher didn't want to me late for it so we took a cab down.

When we reached, we registered and exchanged presents! And the wonderful Shuen wrote my name tag "Bangla" of which a girl actually noticed it when I was in the cafe area with benzi and told me, "What an interesting name you have." ... Nice. Well, we took our Esperenza photo, Cher and Shuen painted their nails, grabbed a bite and head up for the main event. The skit was really entertaining! Predictable but entertaining still! Then there was a service which ended at around 7.30pm. Overall it was a really great evening, kudos to Shuen! You did a great job organising it, don't worry it wasn't a flop yeah? (:

After that, Shuen had to join her church friends for the count down so Cher, Benzi and I took a cab to Toa Payoh Central. And I was left all alone, cause Cher got to head to her grandma's for steamboat and Benzi had a dinner with his parents in town. Followed Benzi to town and when he left for his dinner I was just roaming the really crowded streets, avoiding the asinine idiots who kept spraying that nonsense-oh-so-fake snow shit all over and eventually ended up in Takashimaya. Headed to the floor above Kinokuniya to open Cher's present hahaha. What a spoiler, I know. Shall tell you what she got me later. Yeah, sms a little and headed to Kinokuniya to browse for potential books I'd buy some time soon.

Soon, Benzi finished his dinner and we, once again, were roaming around aimlessly and avoiding the bastards who kept spraying everyone at random. The human traffic was really really bad, so we turned around and headed to Forum instead. There, we waited for Cher to meet us. Then our photo-snapping session started. We actually had fun in an empty Forum mall with the shops closed! That killed some time. Then we headed to a coffee shop to get Cher's chicken chop. The girl's a real pig who doesn't grow fat. Headed to Benzi's hotel room of which his parents booked and were staying in. When his parents were out, we started our lame photo-snapping sessions again, with our corny and quirky ideas. It was something different I'd say, instead of the usual card games, forfeit or mahjong.

When his parents returned, we had to leave. Was at the lobby taking pictures of its decors and just slacking around for quite a while. Then Benzi sent me and Cher out where we were tremendously luck hailing a Mercedes cab. Yeap, had a little chat in the cab and soon I was home. Went online to upload the pictures, you can find them on Cher's photoblog. Lazy to put the link, click skye on my links.

Yeap! That was pretty much my Christmas Eve event. Just a pleasant time well spent with wonderful friends who will be there for you anytime. (:

Thanks to:

Cher!
for the wonderful present you got me. Tony Parson's new book (: classic. Will get to reading it soon after I finish "To kill a mockingbird" haha. Leave the best for the last (: I hope you like the laminated card! Isn't much cause im cash-striped this month. Owe you your topshop shirt ya? Claim it soon. I have a feeling you will on Monday...

Shuen!
for the APPLE CRUMBLE like you said haha. Was literally in a crumble, hard to eat! But it smelled and tasted good! Haha that was actually my dinner on Christmas eve (: Enjoyed every single bite of it and thanks for inviting us to Esperenza again! Gave me HOPE literally!

Benzi!
for the hotel accommodation and the free tissue paper it came with LOL my nose was literally congested, needed tissue paper badly! and also for being so "lucky" as to allowing us to hail a Mercedes cab haha. Stop clubbing and do something meaningful!

Lastly, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all reading! May your life be enriched and may all your wishes come true next year. It'll be a better year, that's for sure.

2005-12-23T03:27:00.000+08:00

It's 3.24am in the morning. Can't get to sleep as usual, mind's tired but nonetheless can't seem to even catch 40 winks.

Been watching the various documentaries regarding the remembrance of the Tsunami on 26th December 2004. There were so many people whose lives were devastated by the Tsunami that ravaged Asia. Thousands were claimed by the sea, and twice the amount of people were affected. Each of the Tsunami survivors have a different story to tell, each of them equally heart-wrenching and pitiful. I remember watching the documentary featured on Channel News Asia, whereby a Sri Lankan man told us his son's last word. They were on a train, "Queen of the Sea", when his son told him, "Papa, this is the last time I'll see you, I don't want to go back." So the father was puzzled and asked, "Why do you say that?" And he replied, "Because I'm lonely at home." Then, the waves struck and took the boy away from the man's grasp as the train got washed off the track.

There are many people with almost similar stories. Myriad of children were orphaned, others estranged from their loved ones. There is no way for us to articulate the pain and truama they've been through, and literally no words to assuage the bereavement and grief that they experienced. However, it's amazing how these people garner the strength to move on and rebuild their lives from scratch. Life must go on. A year has past and life resumes as per normal for the survivors, only that for most of them a part of them is displaced by the absence of their loved ones and the horrorific memories of the unexpected. I give them my utmost respect and condolences for the rough waters they had to overcome and still being able to muster up courage to move on.

On a more personal note, life haven't been easy for me. Clueless as to what is going on right now, and having sleepless nights. It's been 3 weeks, and I've been running away quite often from the reality of things. I guess it's time to come back. There are so many things that I miss awfully, and once again I'm neglecting everything else at the expense of looking back constantly. It's hard, it's really hard but I guess I ought to quote cher when I told her that things might seem hard and stressful only for her to reply, "Since when did hard stopped me?"

That silly girl who made me laugh by pretending to be the poster of "Memoirs of a Geisha" via webcam. Do smile often alright? Cause you never know when somebody will fall in love with your smile. Familiar?

2005-12-08T13:42:00.000+08:00

Finally in the mood to update. It's gonna be a LONG entry. If you want to know more, read on. This entry is pretty much for myself to remember my memorable trip.

Just came back from my recent OCIP trip to Thailand, Khao Lak. Well, that's like 10 days ago. It was an enriching experience and, in my opinion, 12 days well spent. No doubt I'm missing the place dearly, but I'm glad I signed myself up for this programme. No regrets.

Day 1 - 17th November 2005

We arrived at the Phuket International Airport, unloaded and got onto a coach heading for Khao Lak. It was scorching and I was literally perspiring in the coach on our way there. Our guide, Jenny, introduced herself and gave us a brief introduction about Phuket as well as our destination, Khao Lak. On our way there, we saw the alluring beaches with its glistening blue waters and everybody started snapping pictures cause it's a sight you'd never get in Singapore. The rest of the ride was relatively quiet, for most of us fell asleep listening to our mp3s.

We arrived at Tony Lodge not long after. Still remembered we overshot the lodge and how the coach had to reverse on the highway. Eventually we were assigned our rooms, Kenneth and I were allocated to room 330. Visited the room, witnessing lots of small insects all over, no ESPN or StarSports and no minibar. The insects were our primary concern, so we started wacking them dead.

Not long after, we had to meet up and head for lunch. If i remembered correctly, it was some Seafood restaurant where we had a buffet and a really beautiful view of Bang Niang Beach (I think). When we finished our food, and drinks (coke at only 15 Baht!), the owner of the restaurant recounts his experience on 26th December 2004. He explained how the waters receded to a large extent to a rock far out at sea, witnessing people taking pictures and a man who actually ran towards the receding waves to check out what's happening. (I saw his video he captured and the man was actually walking towards it checking out the phenomenal incident, he was later engulfed by the devastating force of the Tsunami) When the owner saw the overwhelming waves approaching, he further explained how he tried to warn the tourists on the beach but to no avail. What happened next, I'm sure all of us have a pretty clear idea of what ensued.

We got onto the coach and our next destination was to the Chao Thai Mai School. On our way there, Lek, our second guide, taught us some basic Thai language. Unfortunately, Ahmad could only remember "Peng Pai" (which means expensive). We all had a good laugh about it, and it became the bud of most of the jokes to come in the coach. We arrived at the school, alighted and checked it out. I recalled myself thinking it wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be. Saw the kids looking at us, most of them pretty shy except for Aek who approached Ahmad at the end of the day and was at the very least responsive.

After having a tour round the school, we were brought to a place that was badly hit by the Tsunami. While we were touring around, we saw quite a number of debris lying around and the highlight of the tour was when we saw a huge ship lying in the middle of the little "town" beside the road. I believe it got all of us thinking and probably estimating the destructive power of the Tsunami for it to wash this enormous ship kilometers in land.

To end the day, we had a really great BBQ dinner at Sweet Peas restaurant, had our group meeting planning for the following day's programme and turned in for an early night.

Day 2 - 18th November 2005

First day of our project started off pretty well. My group started off with the painting on the exterior of the multi-purpose room. We got our painting materials ready, picked a kid to work with and started painting. Initially, I was painting with this kid called Lean. Then I moved around and was painting with Job and Yae. Eventually, we got to the back of the building and several wood planks were hindering our painting of the walls. So Jason and Ahmad, with my occasional help, started moving the planks one by one. Some of them were deteriorated to a really bad state, and we saw huge amounts of termites scattering all over. Then we witnessed a scorpion making its escape only to lie in the hands of Yae who smashed it flat with a small wooden plank without hesitation. Kudos to him! Finally, we all decided the back needs no paint cause nobody is going to look here.

Out comes the soccer ball! Ahmad and I brought it out and started passing around, then the kids all started coming in as well as the guys in the OCIP. Soon, it became a match of the Thais versus us Singaporeans. For their age, the Thai kids were really fit and skillful. Rough as well, but hey, what's sports without any physical contact? Not really sure who won, but it was a really great way to bond with the kids and to melt the ice between us.

Lunch came and it was not exactly to our liking. Just not used to it I guess, so most of us were struggling and trying to adapt ourselves to the food. What's more, we were told to try and finish the food cause not finishing it was pretty rude. We all got over it in the end and we all witnessed the kids daily ritual to pray and meditate after lunch to calm themselves down for the second session. It was interesting to experience what they do for you don't see such rituals in Singapore.

My group and I were in charge of teaching during the second session. We took the primary 1s I believe where I met a really talkative girl and her friends whom I helped cheat so that they could get sweets during the lesson. We were teaching them greetings and they were to pronounce the English words. So there I was, telling them and trying to teach them how to pronounce it correctly. We went outside for it was getting really hot and stuffy in the classroom. So this girl and her friends kept mocking me throughout the whole day, and their laughter were really contagious. We proceeded with the making of the Telephone cups and I believe they had lots of fun with them while they were communicating with each other from one end to another.

School ended at about 3pm Thai time, and we all retreated back to our Lodge after that. Had a little free time when we were back at the lodge, so Kenneth and I headed to the beach to check out the sunset. It was really beautiful, the beach and the sunset. We started taking photos and savouring the moment before night approaches. We headed back to Sweet Peas where we had our dinner. Then, there was the reflections after dinner which took about an hour and a half.

It was a really good day, a great start to the project. Despite the language barrier that I had with the Thai children, I managed to warm up with them. That's to allow them to mock you. What I'm glad for is the fact that they were responsive and I believe that they enjoyed themselves thoroughly.

Day 3 - 19th November 2005

Saturday, the kids don't usually attend school but they came back just for us. I appreciate it because some of them live a few kilometers away from school, yet they turned up so that got to me. We played games the whole morning, like "What time is it Mr. Wolf?", "Ice and Water", "Dog and Bone" and the "Hand Entangling" game. I'm sure they had lots of fun cause all I see were smiles.

After the games, we were invited to tour their village. So the kids, Yae and gang, pulled me and Ahmad along with them. It was a pretty long hike, and while we were walking, Job learnt that Ahmad could not touch dogs (cause he's Muslim) and he started carrying his little puppy around and trying to sneak up on him with it. It was pretty funny, but they meant no harm and eventually got tired of the whole "Ahmad, Dog!" thing. All of us were broken into groups, for the children brought all of us to the different places. I got to know one of Yae's friend and we just kept walking and walking, not knowing to where exactly.

Later, most of us gathered at this particular place of the village, Ahmad and I hopped onto the Song Thaew (a vehicle somewhat similar to a tuktuk but larger and can sit more people, it's sort of like a bus for the locals), and I literally meant ONTO the Song Thaew. We were on top of the vehicle with the boys and as it started moving, Ahmad and I were kinda wary for it was pretty rocky and we were afraid of falling. The next thing to look out for were the tree branches. One almost hit me, missing me by a few inches! Unfortunately, Fabian got hit but by a thin branch so it was alright. We were all dodging and having fun with the boys, enjoying the breeze and the time on top of the Song Thaew.

We arrived at the school and started a soccer match with the Thai kids once again. This time, Yae's friend was playing as well. It was a pretty short game, as we had to leave soon. It was a great experience, and the kids were really warm and welcoming. I would say this day was probably one of the highlights of the trip.

At night, we had a wonderful dinner at a restaurant owned by a guy from Holland. A treat to the taste buds. We also saw a transvestite waiter/waitress who was serving us. All of us had a good laugh about it, but the joke subsided as we dig in to the mouth watering food. After dinner, Ahmad, Rifdi and I started walking around Khao Lak town. Entered a bar and played a little Foosball, but the place was infested with dogs so Ahmad couldn't stand it. We got out and walked a little further, enjoying the night breeze till we eventually got to a supermarket. Ahmad bought an "Oakley" sunglasses and Rifdi and I were checking out the price for a pack of Condoms. Boy were they cheap, if I recalled correctly they were about 40 Baht per pack of 3. That's like a S$1.80 perhaps? Haha, so we were just browsing around and eventually we headed back to the lodge. Went to Eugan's room with the rest of the clique to catch a soccer match and turned in after that.

Day 4 - 20th November 2005

We had our R&R on this day, had breakfast at Sweet Peas and headed to Phuket to sight-see and shop.

Our first stop was to a T-shirt factory. Pretty cheap I'd say. Got t-shirts for my brothers and parents from there. Afterwhich, we headed to a Thai Temple, not sure what it's called but looked really prestigious and prominent. We saw firecrackers and decided to give it a shot, so we thought, "Hey, we just have to donate some money and pick a box of firecrackers." Pretty cool eh? So we did that, Ahmad had the honours of lighting it up and throwing it. It was really loud, and it was kinda fun so we wanted a second round until we saw a guy actually paying for the firecrackers. Had a good laugh at our folly, to think that our measley donation was enough for the firecrackers.

After the temple, we headed to Patong Beach! Shopping galore. Eugan, Rifdi, Mei Ning, Vera and I pleated our hair with Beads. Don't know how to say it, but yeah hope you know what I'm talking about. Ahmad was standing aside and I bet he is thinking to himself how pussy this whole thing is haha. After that we went off shopping. The starting price is a killer, the shop owners jack up the price to almost 150% its original price. We had to bargain hard to get what you want at an affordable price. Unforunately for me, I got ripped off for 2 wallets. Poor me, and the clique sure knows for I kept complaining about it all the way back to Khao Lak.

Had a great time in the coach with the clique. Made horny and corny jokes on our way back. Ahmad and I also started doing dumb dances and singing to ridiculous songs dating way back to the primary school days, thanks to Rifdi's mp3. When back at the lodge, we unloaded our stuff and had an early night.

Oh yeah, on this very day I was given a nickname and it is none other then "TINKERBELL, the PUSSY DOG" woohoo, thanks to the gay beads on my hair.

Day 5 - 21st November 2005

On this day, it was sort of like a labour day for us. We were to do painting and gardening, both of which were really really hard work. It was a good experience nonetheless, for it was my first time doing gardening (it was more like farming in my opinion).

We started off the day with the painting. As usual, we got our materials ready and started painting the interior of the multi-purpose room. We were to work in shifts for the primary 6 students had no teacher, so the group was spilt into 2, one for interaction with the kids and another doing the painting. The primary 6 boys came to help for a while, but i guess their playfulness made things worse for us. We had to paint over again, yes extra work but I think it was worth it because the boys really spice things up a little despite the consequences.

Later in the day, after lunch, it was time for gardening. We had to move the pile of soil to the nursery, which was pretty hard work. Furthermore, we had to construct a new bed for planting so we proceeded to move the short cement walls to the garden. We then had to make pits to slot the walls in, with accordance to the correct height and stuff. It was really hard work, the whole group was really tired at the end of the day. However, I felt it was effort well spent for the benefits of the students for they really harvest what was planted back home. So the garden is their source of food, not just a place for an activity called gardening like here in Singapore.

Day 6 - 22nd November 2005

We carried out what we planned to do for teaching the previous night. We were teaching them body parts and things were much more organised than it was before. Everybody in the group understood each other's intentions and initiatives were taken to allow things to proceed smoothly. It is more like an ordinary day, like we were part of their lives and vice versa. I guess we adapted to how things were over there, taking things in as they come.

After the lessons, we continued with the gardening. We had to plough the land with the hoes provided. That took almost the whole afternoon, including the adding of the top layer soil and some insect repellent powder I presume. Then, we planted the Kang Kong seeds on the 2 other beds that were constructed.

As there were still time left, we had to carry out interaction sessions with the primary 6 students. Ahmad and I were making a fool of ourselves, singing songs like "Bomb Chika Bomb" and so on. It was worthwhile as we made the girls laugh due to our ridiculous actions. The boys were rather rowdy, I don't blame them. I'd think that these guys are retarded if I were in their shoes.

The day ended with Yae and gang teasing me about Jib, this girl in their class whom they say like me. It got a little irritating haha but I'm a good sport, so I played along and kept saying "Mai! Mai!" which means No! No!

Day 7 - 23rd November 2005

Painting once again. This time it was the railings of the stairs and along the corridors. Got paint all over myself, but it didn't matter that much. Rifdi started his graffiti of the school's name when we finished the a portion of the railings. Lunch soon came, afterwhich we gathered our materials and taught the primary 5. During the lessons, I met yet another talkative girl with a really contagious laughter. I think her name is Nam, and I believe she's the one that kept teasing Kenneth about Beer. Haha.

After the lessons and the colouring, we brought them out to do songs such as twinkle twinkle little star and cheers like the "Nong Oi!". That took quite a while, and we ended the day with the primary 5s and some of the kindergarten kids joining us to play a game of Wacko.

The highlight of the day didn't happen in the school. Instead, it happened after dinner where Ahmad had his brilliant idea to create a Blair Witch Project video. So we borrowed the video camera from Eric and started filming outside Sweet Peas. The whole process was really funny, and corny as well. The whole filming turned out to be a flop and it became more of a comedy instead of a horror flick. Then we proceeded to Eugan's room to film more corny videos that was intended to be scary. It was good times, and we all laugh really hard at our work. All of us, the clique including Hazirah and Marya. Hopefully the scenes are not deleted cause they are priceless.

Day 8 - 24th November 2005

Rainy day, much of the activities were cancelled due to the showers that lasted the whole day. Games can't be carried out as the field was wet so much of the time we were indoors.

We were somewhat unprepared, so we had an impromptu lesson on Shapes if I recalled correctly. Yae and gang were rather restless during the lesson, and New looked really really bored. Felt kind of bad because we could have done a better job, considering our time in Thailand will be over pretty soon. We had a mini competition, on how to spell the different shapes and such. The group was split into two once again, because the primary 5 didn't have a teacher around. I guess we were really unprepared and had no idea what to do.

We tried playing the "Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar" game but it wasn't effective because the kids didn't really understand. In the end we played pass the parcel and it got slightly better. In my opinion, I got pretty disappointed with myself because I couldn't think of any better idea on how to spice things up a little for these kids. Was pretty down the whole day, a little pissed too.

Day 9 - 25th November 2005

I guess this day is probably one of the highlights of the trip.

It started off with the OCIP group taking a group photo, then we proceeded to greet the primary 6 students and carried out the lesson as planned. We were to do the volcano lesson, which was to use plasticine and yakult bottles to mould a creative design to the student's liking. The lesson yielded many genuinely creative designs, especially the ones by Pang. When adding the baking soda, the kids were fascinated and I believe they enjoyed themselves thoroughly.

We then carried out the interaction games like "Musical Chairs", "Dance Freeze" and "Pass the Parcel". These games really brought out the smiles in them, and it just felt really great to see them smiling and having a great time.

After lunch, we had our ceremony. It started to drizzle a little, but that didn't stop the kids from their performance. The kids took their instruments and started playing, and in the process coaxing us to join them. Lian and New taught me the right way to do the "Rain Dance" (i think, not sure what dance) and I was just fooling around and dancing, making them laugh.

It was our turn and we all had to line up and sing to them the Thai version of "I Love You" (that Barney song). I couldn't participate because I had to dress in my ridiculous Batik dress and didn't want to spoil the performance, meant it as a surprise! Then Rifdi had to cover me with his wind-breaker to the other side of the field. My dance item soon came, and I was dancing in my girlie costume which brought much laughter to the kids. The indian dance by Eugan, Rifdi and Ahmad was really funny as well.

After the whole performance, we had the donations given to the kids. Afterwhich we all proceeded to their classrooms and took photos and just hang around with them, having a good time. It was pretty much free and easy, and I was just going around, taking photos and playing some card game with Yae and gang. Went down to do the "Hokey Pokey" dance with the lower primary, just for the fun of it. I also gave new my wrist band, just something to remember me by.

We headed back to the lodge after a long day, the clique and I decided to head to the patrol ship that was washed ashore by the Tsunami. It was a real adrenalin rush as Eugan took the initiative to climb onto the ship via a tree. Getting up there took quite a while but eventually we all got up, even the girls! As the girls were attempting to climb up, Rifdi and I were checking out the boat when I found a hatch and lifted it. Soon, Ahmad, Rifdi and I were climbing down into pitch black darkness down into the lower deck. Ahmad used his phone to illuminate the lower deck and it was really eerie. I was holding onto a spatula in case of unexpected guest (yes genius i know). So we explored and didn't go any further into the front of the lower deck for it was way too dark. We climbed up to fetch the others and headed back down. Ahmad's battery went dead and we started getting out of the lower deck, I literally felt the hair on my back rising as Fabian and I looked back for a final look. The adventure was totally rad, and a really amazing way to end the day.

Day 10 - 26th November 2005

The last day we'll see the children. A pretty tough day I'd say. The day started with the launching of the rocket. The kids were rather fascinated by the rocket launching but it turned out to be a flop as the launchers malfunctioned. We then proceeded with the telematches, where New and Nang were more interested in freaking me out with the beatle that they had with them. They kept placing it onto Ahmad and My shirt and leaving it there for it to climb up. One almost went to my neck and I was freaking out like seriously. At the end of the games, all the children came together and we sang songs and did the cheers they've learnt the past few days.

Lunch came really quickly that day, or rather time past really fast. After lunch, we all gathered again where we had to say our goodbyes. It was pretty difficult to do so, as one of the teacher was singing a Thai song bidding farewell, the principal started a chain by walking round the circle shaking hands followed by the people that were behind him. I guess I got too attached to them to want to let go but hey life goes on and we had to leave eventually. So tried to hold back the tears as much as possible. Hugged Aek, hoping he would do good in life. Hugged New as well, hoping she'd smile more and make others around her happy. And not forgetting Yae and gang who were laughing at me as I almost cried while hugging them.

Then we reformed the circle and did the songs and cheers once again to lighten the mood up. Ahmad and I didn't want to drag the whole process for it'll be much harder to let go if we do. So he urged me to say my last goodbyes to New, that I did, hugged her one last time and said goodbye. Then we headed into the Song Thaew avoiding the solemn crowd. As we were about to go, I shaked the hands of the children again from the Song Thaew and was glad to be able to make New smile before I left as I pointed to the earrings that Mei Ning told me to give her. Soon we were gone and on the road back to the lodge.

Some of the members were still crying, and I was trying hard to let go which was really tough to do so. Still, I kept all the emotional stuff back and look towards life with a better point of view.

Later that day, we met the people of Ecotourism Center, interacted with them and played a game of beach soccer of which we were "decimated" horribly. It was a game, for me, to try and put a closure to the tough day but to no avail.

Day 11, 12 - 27th & 28th November 2005

The next two days were R&R, had a wonderful time at the beach of Koh Kho Khao Island and the Bang Lut Beach where we had a relaxing time, picked shells and made more corny videos related to Baywatch. The cast including me, Ahmad, Rifdi and Fabian. Haha, it was good times and a good way to relax.

We also went to Khao Lak Town to do a little shopping. On Monday, half of us went to Central Festival Shopping Mall while the others went back to Patong Beach to do more shopping.

With that, my amazing and enriching journey ended.

For me, it has been a really enjoyable trip and I did much soul searching during the trip as well. I experienced the simplicity of life, how comfort can be found right under our noses and yet we miss it each and everyday. I had the ultimate Song Thaew experience with Ahmad, although he got to hang on the ladder on one occasion and I didn't. I learnt that love comes in many forms, and the kids showed it to me in abundance. This is one trip I will never forget, nor will I forget the people involved in it.

2005-11-05T11:00:00.000+08:00

I'm thinking about the ever constant change in life. So hard that my head seems to hurt really bad, and the situation compounded with a really bad cough and lethargy. Yet, I choose to ignore it.

Apparently, I keep delving into the past and thinking of the "what ifs" and the "wanted tos". So I started wondering if the events which lead me to what I am today could have been different. Whether the fate involved be altered, molecules rearranged and time bent be able to change my life drastically. I guess it could, but it's a little too late for that I guess. Hence, I was considering to move on in life taking precautions, playing things safe, not wanting to regret my every actions and avoid any well I might fall into and taking eons to climb out of. The randomness of life scares me and sometimes I just lay still, hoping to stay in that familiar security for the time being.

Life is a series of events that leads to yet another. But we have to take things slowly, a step at a time. Maybe I could go
for a) Love Life
or b) An adventure
or c) Take a back seat and enjoy the moment
or d) Bunjee jump ?
However, being the coward I am, I'm indecisive. What if I choose a) and miss out on the others? That's what I'm afraid of, deciding on something, regret and brood over it for the next few months. I spend so much of my time thinking, wallowing in self doubt and self pity and neglecting all other aspects of life.

Sometimes, it looks like a century just thinking, pondering, wondering, regretting and worse of all regretting wasting my time THINKING too much. Maybe I need to be selectively ignorant? Just maybe. Things haven't been easy, and time is ticking pass way ahead of me. It's amazing how long i can brood over my life, sometimes its amazing how many years there are between 11.00am and 11.01am just for me to think

and it's already 11.33am.

So I told myself, "Bang Lin, don't forget. There's always option e) All of the Above."

2005-10-25T13:58:00.000+08:00

If that's they way it is,
then that's the way it is.

2005-05-31T18:17:00.000+08:00

It's been quite a while. A lot of things have happened and i shall delve into the more significant ones.

Firstly, volunteered to be a conservation ambassador. Hah, sounds kinda gay but yeah. It's a service learning programme by the Singapore Zoological Garden. Met new people and learnt quite a lot about the operations of the zoo as well as the animals. Come to the zoo some day, you might just see me talking to visitors and educating them. It's definitely fun, the zoo's quite different and you will undeniably smile at the fond moments you spent in the zoo while you were still a little primary school kid on excursion.

Joined NYAA as well. Hah, still remember when it was introduced to me in secondary school I was scoffing at the award and listing it as a nerdtron award. Now I'm enrolled and I guess it's quite beneficial. Would any of you be disciplined enough to learn a new skill or organise an adventurous activity? That's what the award entails. I have to learn a new skill, do a significant amount of CIP, take part in an adventurous acitivity and something else i can't really remember. Looking forward to it.

Alright.. the holidays are here. Stayed over at Cheryl's place for two days. Brought waffles for grooming, and she's totally bald now. lol. She looks like an alien but adorable nonetheless.

Project work is being a bitch. Have to amend my group project proposal over and over and over again. Pissing me off. Fucking project.

Start of the holidays, lots of things to do but I'm gonna chill and relax for now. Been doing work the whole day. Asked the good ol' clique to come over my house. Gonna talk about lots of crap and funny shit HOPEFULLY. I need a good laugh.

2005-05-02T22:42:00.000+08:00

Had a good weekend i would say.

Did a little homework on Saturday afternoon, then keith came over to chill. Was suppose to treat Desmond to a belated birthday dinner but it wasn't so. Hah, a miscommunication, Keith thought I was suppose to call him and I thought he was so we didnt at all. Instead, we went to town, check out stuff and met Delia the black nails PIG. Headed to the MI bazaar and met with Cheryl and co. Spent like an hour there doing nothing lol after that we hitched a ride home thanks to ...

Went to JB the next day with Cheryl's family. Bought some new clothes and so did she. Had Sudanese food and later at night we had seafood (: really enjoyed myself and the food of course. Thanks a lot nin. ilyalal.

And it comes down to a quiet little monday at home, played with my little rascal dog and coincidentally, she has her "auntie" today. but she's still adorable, the next few days will be bloody lol. Did most of my work but still loads to go. especially my project work. ohh well. school again, and training resumes soon. boring !

2005-04-10T07:25:00.000+08:00

It's an early morning for me.

Ii had the most inconceivable dream, one which i rose from half an hour ago. I can't really remember what happened in between but what struck me most vividly was the fact that Cheryl passed away. I remembered calling Shuen and telling her about it. I was going to her work place to collect her belongings, I was walking alone aimlessly and without a purpose. I ended up going to her place, walking into her drive when i broke down. That's when i woke up, feeling distraught, afraid and alone.

Being me, I obviously am largely affected by it. I don't usually have dreams, and when I do it is something exaggerated. However, this particular dream felt so real and it made me wept when I woke up. I forgot how Cheryl looked like, I felt as if I woke up to the next day of my alienated dream. I look to my phone to read her replies, all of which was of the previous day which made things felt far more realistic. The ice broke only when i messaged her and got a reply, to guarantee it was only just a dream.

I spent quite a while adjusting and comprehending . Although the underlying meaning is obvious, I feel it is something deeper than that. It is intricate and foreign to me to have such realistic dreams involving people you adore and embrace.

I'm still a little distracted by it and lost, but I'll get over it.

All that aside, school's been alright I guess. Stressful, no doubt. It's a whole new different ball game and I'm making sure I'm on track and not losing out. Got tons of work to do later. Basketball training is exhausting but well worth it for I haven't been working out for the past few months. Vigorous exercise, workload to finish. It feels like school alright.

Well, that's all about it for now. Take care now.

2005-03-27T21:46:00.000+08:00

Well well well, got posted into Tampines Junior College. Not too bad, not entirely happy there but it's alright i guess. Being in a mediocre school,i don't expect much actually. Just hoping that orientation end soon, it's such a bitch and i don't enjoy it one bit. Want to just start my suicidal lessons on biology and chemistry asap. Only have one and a half years till the A'Levels reaches, and don't we all know how time flies.

Life's been pretty monotonous and meaningless for me lately. Besides being there for cher and helping her get through the downslide, it's been rather bleak for me. Hopefully things brighten up a little for me, and as well as cher. Hmm, wonder how's that indian pig shuen, must be as crappy as usual right?

There'll be five days of school, starting tomorrow. Basketball training tomorrow. Gonna be so tired, and i heard there's some stupid mass dance coming up tomorrow as well. Oh gee, how exciting and exhilarating.

Life goes on. Waking up at 5.45 again. 1 hour journey to school. fuck !

2005-02-19T16:59:00.000+08:00

Toy Soldiers

Sabir Shafar voraciously consumed a ration, one he chanced upon while he was walking through the streets, salvaging his insatiable hunger. At the age of sixteen and living with his grandmother, Shafar would roam the streets daily in search of food for the both of them. However, he would have to be cautious everyday having to surreptitiously run through back alleys as the situation was hostile in the Al Anbar province.

19 March 2003, Shafar was caught in the middle of a fierce cross fire between the American soldiers and the insurgencies. Instinctively, he ran frantically back home where he believe would be safe. Upon reaching, he saw the walls of his house driven through with myriad of bullets. An insurgent emerged from the back door, wounded and holding an Ak-47. The guy, his eyes disconcertingly keen as he watched Shafar, tossed the rifle and lay staring at Shafar, dead.

Shafar entered the house warily, only to witness his grandmother’s ghastly visage in a pool of crimson blood. He felt to the floor, petrified by the abhorrent scene. Guilt, remorse, anger were his initial emotions which became obscured and overwhelmed by revenge.

He joined the insurgence and fired at any American soldier he saw. It did not matter who he killed nor the dire consequences, he did it for his grandmother. He died in a cross fire days later.

What drive these uncertain people to fight? Is it their believe in their religion, being under the impression that we are the ones misled and only their God can bring us back onto the track of righteousness? Or is it their instinct to avenge their love ones and be influenced to think that we are misled and have hidden agendas? Whatever it is, there might be a possible link between killing a sixteen year old boy's grandmother and him growing up to hate his grandmother's killer so much as to willingly detonate a bomb in the heart of the big apple.

- banglin

2005-02-09T19:18:00.000+08:00

I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.
I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.I love me.

Will update in due time.(: